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Very British Problems 4

Have you been waiting long? 
1. "No, don't be silly" - 5 mins 
2. "Only a few minutes" - 15 minutes 
3. "A little while"- Days 
4. "A bit"- Months 
Dealing with a queue jumper by widening your eyes and looking slightly to the side. 
Quite cross: "Honestly it's fine" 
Very cross: "Seriously, don't worry about it" 
Bloody livid: "Look, just forget it" 
"Thanks a lot" - Sounds sarcastic 
"Thanks for that" - Sounds annoyed 
"Thanks a bunch" -Sounds furious 
"It's hardly ideal" - Translation: It's a potentially life-destroying situation. 
Places you can 'pop' 
1. To the shop. 
2. Next door. 
3. Out to get some petrol. 
4. Down to the Post Office. 
5. To the cash point. 
Ending a call: "Okay, lovely, great, that is brilliant, okay then, speak soon, cheers then, bye, bye... yep..." 
Brit 1: Exuse me , sorry, can I just... 
Brit 2: Yes, of course, sorry 
Brit 1: Sorry, thanks. 
<both Brits somehow know what's happening> 
"So sorry" -Actually sorry 
"Sorry about that"- Not really sorry 
"Sorry you feel that way" - Not sorry at all 
"Sorry but" - Apologise to me 
Nah, haven't finished putting my shopping on the checkout conveyor yet, random fellow shopper, but you crack on. We'll just play together, Eh. 
Being unable to concentrate as someone gives you directions because you're so focused on looking like you're paying attention. 
How to receive directions: 
-Look very serious 
-Repeat last two instructions 
-Say "Thank you" & drive immediately to a dead end. 
"He is a bit of a character"- Translation: He's the worst person I've ever met. 
Removing the "kind" from "kind regards" to let the recipient know you're absolutely bloody livid. 
"It was okay" - Translation: An event occurred, I took no interest in it, then came home. 
"Sorry, could I just squeeze by? 
<Person doesn't move an inch> 
Shopping list: 
-8.000 tea bags 
-Everything in canned goods aisle 
-All the bread 
-400 pints of milk 
-Enough booze to fill the shed 
-50 Easter Eggs 
-12Kg of cheese 
-A whole trolley of crisps 
-One small bag of lettuce.

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