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Very British Problems



1. Nobody in Britain has ever said “thrilling” and meant it. 
Nobody can say 'Great' without sounding sarcastic. 
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2. Every Brit knows the horror of this: 
Cheers + Thanks = Chanks 
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3. "Look, let's just forget it" - Translation: I will remember this until my dying day... and I will enter your name in My Black Book of Revenge and hate you forevermore. 
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4. “I’m going to have to cancel” 
YES!!!!!!!! 
<composes self> 
“Oh no, that’s a shame” 
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5.“Yes, I remember you saying” - Translation: You’ve said it every day for a week. 
Also translates as "I'm really not interested, please stop talking." 
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6. Always being a bit too suspicious when noticing a neighbour has a new car. 
Automatically assuming they have become a drug dealer... 
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7. Levels of saying “I want to leave”: 
1. Sitting on edge of the sofa 
2. Looking at watch 
3. Saying “is that the time?” 
4. Slapping thighs 
5. Saying “right” 
6. Placing mug near the sink 
7. Putting on coat 
8. Saying “right” again 
You’re staying for at least another hour at this point. 
British goodbyes are the most painfully awkward things to witness. 
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8. Bumping into someone you know. 
Simply that. 
Can only be topped by: 
1. Meeting them in the supermarket. 
2. Exchanging pleasantries. 
3. Saying goodbye. 
4. Moving on. 
5. SEEING THEM AGAIN IN THE NEXT AISLE.
6. What a nightmare. 
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9.“It’s completely up to you” - Translation: Choose wisely or I’ll be upset. 
***** 
Her “Up to you. You decide” 
Him “Ok, I fancy a night in “ 
Her “Ok” 
Later..... 
“You ok?” 
“I'm fine” 
“You seem a bit off” 
“I’m fine. Just would have been nice to go out for a change. That's all” 
“Well, why didn’t you say?” 
“Why do I have to make all the decisions? It would be nice, every once in a while, if you thought about what I would like to do...” 
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10. “I wouldn’t worry if I were you” - Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you. 
It more means, ‘I’ve got no idea how you expect me to help you so I’m going to try and fill you with empty words of confidence’. 
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11. Persuading everyone to play a board game and accidentally destroying your family. 
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12. "We should meet for drinks soon." 
"That would be great" 
***** 
And they never saw each other again. 

Took me 20 years to figure out that, this is just the end of the conversation. 
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13. “I wouldn’t get too excited” - Translation: It’s rubbish. 
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14. The time it takes to cancel an accidental video call: 0.0000000001 seconds. 
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15. “Still on for tonight?” 
Damn. 
Immediately drive to the airport...get on a first plane going abroad.....phone from Portugal to say, oh no, looks like the dates got mixed up...Post lots of photos with location finder on them as proof you are abroad... 
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16. “Hi, how are you?” 
“Fine, thanks, and you?” 
“Yeah, not bad, yourself?” 
The nightmare of asking someone:"Hi. How are you?", and then they actually tell you stuff about themselves... That's not how this is supposed to work. 
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17. “Might go to the gym” 
*4 minutes later in bed eating all the crisps* 
and if you actually do make it to the gym, you'll spend 3 minutes on a treadmill before retreating to the gym cafe and filling yourself with cake. But it's OK, it doesn't count because you're wearing Lycra. 
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British optimism: Well, at least it can't get any worse" 
A true Brit would smack you round the head for saying that because they know you've just jinxed them to 10 levels below rock bottom.

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